A Q&A interview with Hannah Holbrook -
singer-songwriter, musician & “Meant For Good” podcast host

THEN PETER CAME UP AND SAID TO HIM, "LORD, HOW OFTEN SHALL MY BROTHER SIN AGAINST ME, AND I FORGIVE HIM?   AS MANY AS SEVEN TIMES?"  JESUS SAID TO HIM, "I DO NOT SAY TO YOU SEVEN TIMES, BUT SEVENTY TIMES SEVEN."   -- MATTHEW 18:21-22 (RSV)

There is a reason why Jesus told Peter to forgive “seventy times seven.” It shows just how important the practice of forgiveness is!  We may not realize how carrying offenses toward someone is weighing us down in life…until we let go of unforgiveness we’ve been carrying.  In a recent conversation with singer-songwriter and podcaster Hannah Holbrook, she shared with me her life-changing story of healing from the wounds of long-held offenses.

LH:   You shared with me how you came face-to-face with realizing you’d been keeping a 30-year-long list of offenses against your parents that needed healing.   What caused this realization?

HH:  I’ve been wanting to see physical healings my whole life.  Last year I was praying really hard for one of my friends battling cancer, and I had never engaged in my faith to that level before.   I rallied people for worship nights and prayer, but the results we hoped for weren’t happening.  I was asking God, “Why are we not seeing the healing You promised?  Your Word says [in Mark 16] that we will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover…’”I felt Him impress an answer on my heart.  He said, “Hannah, you won’t even receive My healing for yourself.  I need you to be healed so you can proclaim healing for others from a place of victory.”

LH:  Did you know what God meant by needing healing for yourself?

HH:  I had an inkling that it had to do with healing between myself and my parents.  There was some relational healing I saw happening for my friend as she was going through her sickness, and there was a Scripture that God put on my heart specifically related to the hearts of parents and children. It was an invitation to dig deep and ask the question, “Are there things I’m not dealing with in my life?” I want to be rid of anything that might be hindering or holding back things that God wants to manifest for me, including things I haven’t dealt with between me and my parents.

LH:  Is there an example you can give of an offense you were holding against your parents that you realized might be interfering with God’s best life for you?

HH:  There’s a term called the “father wound” that so many things are connected to.  Your dad is supposed to represent Christ and your mom is supposed to represent the church, but we have two imperfect people doing that as parents.  Nobody is going to do it perfectly and if it’s not done in a way that makes you feel safe as you’re growing up, that can cause so many paradigm issues in life.  I basically had collected “an evidence box” of things my parents had done or not done that I was holding them responsible for.

LH:  So you were realizing that you had paradigm issues related to this evidence box you’d been accumulating?

HH:  I was realizing that my relationship issues with my parents were affecting the way I did relationships with others.  When I would date someone, for instance, I would be so hurt when it didn’t work out.  It affected how I viewed men, how I viewed marriage, and ultimately it was giving me a lens that wasn’t “the kingdom.”

LH:  So, how did you go about releasing the offenses of your evidence box?

HH:  It started with asking God, “Do I have to have a conversation with them about it?  Can I just pray about it and decide ‘we’re good’?”  I was basically trying to avoid confronting it, which God knew!   So, someone at church approached me one day and said, “God wants me to ask you what you need?”  I knew it was about this issue.  This person is a dad himself, so I said, “I just need a dad to bounce this off of and maybe get your advice on how I should approach it?” After hearing what I shared with him, he said, “This is a Father wound.  As a dad, I would want my daughter to come to me and tell me if something between us needs to be healed.”

LH:  You knew at that point the Lord wasn’t going to let you off the hook from facing the music of confronting it, so to speak.

HH:  It was confirmation that a conversation was needed with them, even though it made me uncomfortable to do it.   The Holy Spirit gave me a strategy about how to talk to my parents about it, and it ended up being the best way it could have been handled.

LH:  Can you share some of the strategy?  Maybe it could help someone else reading this right now who knows they have offenses against someone that need to be forgiven.

HH:  As I was asking the Holy Spirit how to go about it, He asked me to honor my parents first.  So when I initiated the conversation with them, I thanked them for things they had done that were good in my life.   They introduced me to Jesus, and they supported me in my music endeavors – two of the most important things in my life I’m so grateful for.  Also, I felt I needed to take responsibility for the way I had judged them for the choices they made that had hurt me.

LH:  Some people might read that and think, ‘So I’m responsible for offenses that have been done against me?”

HH:   The Holy Spirit showed me that my judgment was actually keeping that list in my evidence box going.  After acknowledging that part of the role I played in the hurt I felt toward my parents, it was very freeing.  It continues to build humility in me as I notice times when I’m doing it in relationship with people, and I just repent in those moments.

LH:  You acknowledged it verbally to your parents – does that mean you’re acknowledging it verbally every time to others when you notice you’re passing judgment?

HH:  Mostly it’s just noticing it and repenting to the Lord in those moments.  I did not think I was a judgmental person, but I’m now seeing the fruit of “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.” (John 8:32).   For example, little things my parents did that used to bother me don’t affect me that way anymore.

LH:  I think what I hear you saying is that whether someone has truly done me wrong or not, I can actually add offense on top of offense by passing judgment on them…which only makes the weight I’m carrying even heavier.   Does that feel like beating yourself up or blaming yourself?  

HH:  It’s just a realization about how I, myself, also play a role in the damage offense does because it affects my perspective when I hold offense against someone.

LH:  So, whether someone has intentionally committed an offense toward me or I’m just perceiving that they did, my passing judgment only multiplies the hurt.  God knows their hurt and their circumstances, and He didn’t create us to be the judge and jury.  That must be why Jesus told Peter to forgive seventy times seven?!  Forgiveness is the antidote for “the poison” offense can bring!

HH:  One of the fruits I’m seeing is that people I’m in relationship with are bringing some things up now that in my younger years, I would have been hurt by but it doesn’t hurt me now.  It really is freeing because I’m also learning their perspective about what was going on with them in times I made assumptions or judgments.  Many times it had nothing to do with me, I just took it that way.   Also, I’m working on practicing “keeping short accounts.”  There are times to lovingly say, in the moment, when a friend has said something that hurts.  Then it has no power to become an offense.

LH:  So the truth is not only freeing, it enriches relationship.  I love how your coming into agreement with God about addressing this wound with your parents is now enriching your relationships with others, too.  You have a new “evidence box” showing that healing has really happened for you.  Do you feel that it has been healing for your parents too?  

HH:  We agreed for the slate to be wiped clean.  I forgave them and they forgave me.  Once that happened, it felt like we were on the same team.  I didn’t have a place to keep offenses anymore; it totally changed my relationship with them.  As a grown woman, I was able to invite my parents into a friendship.  I would say the biggest thing I walked away realizing is that my parents are for me. 

LH:  Can you give some examples of how your relationship is different with them now, after this healing of offense wounds?

HH:  I’m able to see that my parents really do love me and have wanted the same things I wanted from our relationship.  For years I would make excuses for things that happened, even though I know the Bible says “love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs.”  (1 Cor. 13:1).  I’m finally free from keeping the record of wrongs. Also, I’ve felt a shift in how my parents see me as an adult, not as a little kid who needs to be taught or corrected in what I’m doing wrong.  I don’t want to be lectured when I make a mistake; I already know when I’ve made a mistake and I’m correcting it.  I just want to be heard and listened to.  I recently was able to share a story with my dad about a guy who ‘ghosted’ me, and I felt so loved by Him because he just listened.  

LH:  That’s so great!  I would love to end this interview with a step-by-step toolbox to our readers with your advice on how to let go of offenses.  But first, readers may be wondering if your friend ended up being healed from cancer?

HH:   She was in hospice and ended up passing away.  Even though her physical body wasn’t healed, I was able to see and feel God’s healing happening in other ways.   There was some relational healing in the situation that had a ripple effect for me. The only way I can explain is that it caused me to have courage to face some relationship healing I needed in my life, specifically with my parents.

LH:  I am sad that you lost your friend to this sickness.  But I can also see “beauty from ashes” (Isaiah 61:3) in what you are saying.

HH:  God didn’t give my friend cancer – I don’t believe He wanted her to have it.   I knew the enemy was stealing her physical future from her.  But I felt a strong message from God that even in times when we don’t see physical healing we’ve been praying for, He is God and He will flip it for good and healing can come in other ways.

LH:  Did you see it come in other ways?

HH:   There were things that happened in my friend’s journey — relationship healing kind of things — that helped me have the courage to embrace what needed healing in my own life. I had the Scripture of Malachi 4:6(a) on my heart, which says He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents. God was clearly showing me that healing needed to happen between me and my parents.

LH:  Wow.  I love how your friend’s story helped give you courage to face what you needed to face, and played a big part in this healing for you. Thank you for sharing your story with us, Hannah!  I believe the “ripple effect” of healing will continue because of your testimony and the tools you’re sharing to help other people begin their own journey of forgiveness.

HANNAH’S HELPERS FOR HEALING OFFENSES.

• Make a Forgiveness List.  Identify the things that happened and how it is affecting you.  Then pray over it.  From that, a natural culling process can happen.  The purpose of the list is not to tell “the offenders” ALL the things; it’s just to get it on paper and into prayer, and let God begin to lead you in His process of what you need to do.

• Identify the wounds(s) and the root(s).  Be curious in exploring your feelings as you read the list.  Ask yourself questions – I feel this feeling as I read this - have I felt this before?  When?  When was the first time I felt this?   Example:  Rejection.  I felt that with a guy I was talking to recently and it has happened more than once.  When was the first time I felt that?  Oh wow, it’s on this list that when I was 8 years old…  In my process of identifying roots, I recognized there was a theme on my list of neglect, so I knew I had a neglect wound.  I recognized the feeling.  I saw it in the way I had been responding to different situations, and even in the way I was treating myself.  Neglect.  This doesn’t mean my parents were neglecting me, it just means I had perceived certain things that way and it had festered into a deep wound. 

• Choose to Forgive.  You don’t have to “feel” it to forgive. You can begin to confess out loud that you forgive the person/people who have hurt you and you can go through your list and confess that you forgive each offense. This helps soften your heart and prepare you to be reconciled with others from a place of healing and love. I even repented for any agreement I made with the offenses on my list. For instance, there was a season when my parents separated and as a teenager, I felt rejection. I repented for any agreement I had made with rejection as I was going through my forgiveness list. God has accepted me (Psalm 27:10), and that is the truth I choose as I repent (change my thinking) and let go of the lie of rejection. 

• Pray for strategy.  Every situation is different, so there isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula for how to approach someone you need to forgive.  In some cases, there’s not even an option to talk to the person.  If you pray for Holy Spirit strategy, He will give it to you for each situation.  He not only knows your heart, He also knows their heart.

• Remember Honor + Honesty.  Honor and honesty come from the same place.  If they are doing something DAILY that is hurting you, I would bring that up because that is an honest thing that needs a light shined on it.  God showed me which items on my list I needed to tell my parents about and which ones didn’t need mentioning.  Open communication doesn’t have to be hurtful communication, and telling them a list of “all the things” can end up doing more damage instead of healing. 

• Identify the role you have played.  One of the books I read [see reSOURCEs at bottom] taught me that people bond to their trauma and then recreate it.  My parents weren’t “traumatizing” me, but I was carrying things that I perceived as hurtful so it had a trauma kind of effect.  When Holy Spirit showed me that part of my healing was confessing the role I had played in judging them, doing so opened the door to understanding that we all had wounds that played into what happened.  [Note:  Some people have truly been victims of abuse.  I cannot speak to this experience but the Lord can heal this too, in all kinds of ways including professionally trained trauma therapists].

• Decide what your goal is. Then ask yourself, “What if?”   If your goal is to hear them say they are sorry, what if they don’t?  If you’re wanting a restored or renewed relationship, what if you don’t get that outcome?  In my case, my goal was to forgive my parents, honor my parents, and release this pain and offense that I don’t want to hang onto anymore.   So no matter what their response was, I knew going into “the talk” that my ultimate goal would bring me healing.  I didn’t have control over their reaction or response, but I did have control of keeping my own reaction/response in line with my goal of honoring them, forgiving them, and releasing the pain and offense I was carrying.  It was a “kingdom-minded” goal.  

• Pray over your Forgiveness List.   Whether or not you’re able to meet or talk with the person(s) you need to forgive, a prayer like this one can help you begin:

HEAVENLY FATHER, I THANK YOU THAT YOUR LOVE COVERS ALL, AND THAT YOUR LOVE KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS.  I CHOOSE TO RECEIVE YOUR LOVE IN MY LIFE, IN MY HEART, IN MY MIND AND EVERY PART OF ME.  I ALSO CHOOSE TO EXTEND YOUR LOVE TO ____________.  I FORGIVE __________ FOR [READ ALOUD EACH ITEM ON YOUR LIST].  HELP ME TO SEE ___________ AS YOU SEE THEM, TO LOVE THEM AS YOU LOVE THEM, AND TO SAY ONLY WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY TO THEM [IF A TALK IS TO BE INITIATED]. I FORGIVE THEM, AND THEY OWE ME NOTHING.  THE BLOOD OF JESUS HEALS EVERY WOUND.  AS FOR MYSELF, I REPENT FOR ANYTHING THAT I HAVE BELIEVED OR AGREED WITH THAT IS NOT FROM YOU, FATHER GOD.   I RENOUNCE ANY THOUGHTS OR BEHAVIOR ASSOCIATED WITH ANYTHING NOT FROM YOU, FOR OFFENSES I HAVE BEEN HOLDING ONTO, FOR JUDGEMENTS I HAVE MADE, AND I REPENT FOR UNFORGIVENESS OR BITTERNESS.  I ASK THAT YOU SHOW ME YOUR TRUTH, AND HELP ME TO SEE WHATEVER THE SITUATION WAS THROUGH YOUR EYES.  IN JESUS’ NAME.  AMEN.

About Hannah Holbrook

Photo Credit: Anthony Scarlatti

Hannah Holbrook is the eldest sister of the ART-POP band, SHEL. Her instrumental music has aired on NPR's Echoes, Colorado Public Radio's show Open Air, and her songs have been featured on ABC Family and MTV. She performs an eclectic range of original compositions from classical/romantic piano instrumentals to jazz-pop songs, with an occasional electronic tune on keytar. When Hannah is not on the road touring, she is writing and recording in Nashville. A solo project release is planned for the Fall of 2021, as well as new music with SHEL. Follow Hannah on Instagram and Facebook @Hannahonthekeys , and learn more about the band at www.shelmusic.com.

reSOURCEs:

UNWANTED, by Jay Stringer.     This book helped me learn how to ask the questions of myself that I needed to ask.

KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR, by PB Wilson.  This book is about loving unconditionally, suggested by a friend as a good book to read while you are single.  There is a powerful chapter in it about forgiveness that helped me understand that I needed to forgive my parents, and that they didn’t have to apologize for that to happen.  Regardless of their response to my bringing up my pain, I am responsible for forgiving.

BOUNDARIES, by Cloud & Townsend. A book that teaches how to have healthy boundaries in relationships.

KEEP YOUR LOVE ON, by Danny Silk. This book helped me apply some of the principles I was reading in BOUNDARIES, so it’s a good book to read after BOUNDARIES.  It made me realize I was giving other people authority to “make me feel” certain ways, and that I need believe and live like the powerful person I am and stop giving my authority away.

NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION, by Marshall Rosenberg.  The title sounds extreme, but it’s about how to communicate something to someone without accusing.  

THE BAIT OF SATAN, by John Bevere. This is Lisa’s reSOURCE about how satan lures us into taking the bait of offense. 

Hannah’s podcast and music:

Meant for Good podcast - Spotify Link

Solo release - You Should Let Me Love You

Hannah on the Keys - Piece of My Mind

SHEL band - Lost at Sea