By Ashleigh Mackey,
adoptive mom

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it physically hurt your heart whenever you thought about not being able to have it? Waiting and praying for something that you have no idea if, how or when it will ever actually happen is one of the most difficult things to walk through.

This is my story of leaning into the Lord for the miracle of becoming a mom.

When I married my high school sweetheart, Bobby, back in 2010, we knew from the get-go that the likelihood of us having kids was very slim. My husband is a childhood cancer survivor, and the intense treatments and medication caused him to become sterile.  I knew going into our marriage that this would one day be a hurdle we’d face together.  What I didn’t anticipate was the immense pain and disappointment I would have to walk through in the process.

Being a Christian woman, I never doubted for a second that God had a good plan for my life. Since I was young, I’ve pretty much always kept a positive attitude toward everything that would come my way. I come from a VERY blended family and experienced a lot of heartache and trauma as a young girl, so, I thought I had this “put your faith and hope in God thing” down to a science. My thinking was, what other choice do I have than to put my trust and hope in Jesus on a daily basis? It’s all I knew how to do!  It was a normal way of life for me to put on my positivity pants whenever I went through something tough.

That was all about to change.

In my podcast interview “Choosing Faith In the Waiting” , I share the details about the difficulties Bobby and I went through as we prayed for our baby to come.  I was so convinced that our prayers -- and the prayers of our friends and family linking arms with us -- were going to result in pregnancy. When it didn’t happen, I started questioning whether God really is who He says He is. I started losing hope for myself and the miracles I was believing for.

Disappointment, bitterness, depression and resentment towards the Lord began to set in, as I was reminded month after month that I was not pregnant.

I remember sitting on the side of the road in my car one day, weeping and sobbing from so much pain in my heart. I had completely lost faith and hope that God would work this miracle in our lives. An immense bubble of anger and hurt welled up inside of me, and I just couldn’t hold it in any longer…so I let God HAVE IT!  I started yelling, from the pit of my belly, how angry and disappointed I was that I wasn’t pregnant. With each sorrowful scream, I told God how mad I was that all these women around me were getting pregnant and yet our baby had not come.  

“WHY?! WHY GOD?!  I’ve trusted you since I was a little girl! Why would you lead me to a man unable to have children when you KNOW I want to be a mother? Why would you tell me to pray when I see nothing changing?”

I told Him I was done.  It was too painful to think about anymore and I wanted this to all be over. I remember sitting for a moment in the silence, eyes closed, head leaning back on the headrest, trying to catch my breath and calm down… when all of a sudden, I felt the Lord speak to my heart.

You will have a baby.  You will be surprised, but you will be ready.

To this day, I describe that moment as the closest I have ever felt to God.  I felt His tangible peace for the first time in a really, really long time.

I believe that in that moment, I broke through a wall between me and God.  Letting it all out, being totally honest, transparent and raw with Him, seemed to do something in the spiritual realm.  It felt like a physical weight had come off me and I could breathe again. The numbness was gone; I could feel again.

I went home and immediately told my husband, with a feeling of excitement I hadn’t felt in a long time. We cried together and continued praying for our baby – this time, with my hurt and resentment and hopelessness removed.  From then on, anytime I felt sadness or disappointment creeping in, I would simply remind myself, unwavering, of the Word the Lord had given me:  

You will have a baby.  You will be surprised, but you will be ready. 

As we moved into the holidays, I remember being in a really happy and good place in my heart and with my personal relationship with the Lord. I remember being excited about the new year, and thankful I was able to go into that season with joy and hope because Christmas is my all-time favorite holiday.  Little did I know, I was about to receive the gift of a miracle on Christmas Eve, timed perfectly by God: I was about to meet my 6-month old daughter.

For the rest of the story, listen to my podcast interview on “Gotcha Mama!”. 

About Ashleigh Mackey

Ashleigh Mackey is a full time stay-at-home adoptive mama and part-time special needs caregiver with a love of home and event decorating.  She is also an expert “thrifter”, known for making “something out of nothing” and for her joy of all things vintage.  She is currently in the beginning stages of building an online thrift shop called “Mother of Thrift” which will offer unique vintage finds.  Ashleigh lives in Arizona with her husband, Bobby and adopted daughter, Charleigh.  Together they enjoy travel, outdoor exploring, cultivating a strong community of friendship and a home steeped in love and belonging for all who enter.

Ashleigh’s reSOURCEs

 Ashleigh’s Gotcha Mama! Podcast interview

Ashleigh’s most treasured scripture:  Isaiah 40:31